


Cas Did Not Deserve This

by LokiNeedsHugs1031



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Caring Dean, Caring Dean Winchester, Castiel in the Bunker, Crying Castiel, Crying Dean, Crying Dean Winchester, Depressed Castiel, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotionally Hurt Castiel, Episode: s09e03 I'm No Angel, Fluff and Angst, Hurt Castiel, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, M/M, Making it right, Panic Attacks, Rape/Non-con Elements, Season 9, Seeing it was fucking rape, Supernatural writers for real, cas has panic attacks, fluff and comfort
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-29
Updated: 2016-06-29
Packaged: 2018-07-19 00:22:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,209
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7337071
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LokiNeedsHugs1031/pseuds/LokiNeedsHugs1031
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>My re-reaction of "I'm No Angel" bottom line, it makes me mad every time I watch it. But I re-write it and Dean does what SHOULD have been done.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Cas Did Not Deserve This

**Author's Note:**

> So once more, I'm re-watching Season 9 "I'm No Angel" and it pisses me off each time I watch it. This is my RE-interpretation of what should have happened. For the sake of Castiel please let me know what you think.....I wrote the best of what I thought should have occurred *note I could write an entirely HUGE fanfic on the injustice done against April the vessel, but here I focus on Cas*

            Cas was immensely calmed with the idea of being in the bunker. After everything. The fall. The violence. He was given the welcoming aspect of so many things now. Warm water. Food. No one out to hurt him while he gained energy through sleep. A home that was warded against any evil. Even Angels. He had vocally voiced his worries with Dean, “They’ll find me.”

            “No one will find you.” Dean had added, green eyes narrow and wet.

            And he was scared. He’d run for so long, and when he actually broke it down it had been mere days. So many were out there to harm him, and then he’d found solace. Or at least he’d thought. With a woman that seemed to care for him. April.

            April had brought him into her home, he had felt his heart leap with the idea of someone simply wanting to help him. No need to return the favor. But as soon as she pressed lips to his cheek, eyes cutting sideways, he felt sick. Sick in every way possible. Every inch of him wanted to push away, wanted to say ‘no’ that he did not want this. In that moment he could only think of one person. But. He was so hungry, so cold, so desperate and lonely. Nowhere to go. Something told him he couldn’t say no, could he? As soon as her lips met his own, his skin chilled. Something in his gut said ‘no’, but where could he go? And again, he was so lonely, so desperate for someone to care. He thought of Dean, he wanted Dean. Dean was home. No matter what those thoughts garnered. However wrong they might be, he wanted Dean. Wanted Dean’s lips, Dean’s hands. Because he knew they would not be forceful or taking. In the midst of passion, or whatever it might have been, amongst an orgasm he’d had no control over, he had started crying. Tears pouring large and fat down his cheeks. And ‘April’ merely held him close, murmuring false words of ‘it’s okay’.

            The next morning, as he shuffled out of April’s bedroom, trying to find his clothes and finding them missing he almost went into full panic. He was garnering a sadness in his gut he couldn’t identify. He felt no connection, if anything he felt more lost than he had been, wet and desperate in the rain. But with his clothes missing? The last of his armor that he felt that he owned was gone. Last of his control. Over anything.

            But then ‘April’ had been there, in the kitchen, but any and all caring nature in her demeanor was gone. And he was merely prey.

            After that, besides the blade to his flesh, it had all been a blur. Pain, and blood and blurriness. And internal begging or praying. He refused to call it praying.  A pain that was so new and shocking he had no words to described it.

            When he opened his eyes once more, thinking he was dead, he was shockingly met with Dean’s sea green eyes, peering into his own, “Never do that again.”

            Cas wanted to cry, that powerful urge nearly suffocating him, but the only words that came out were “Alright.”

            From there Dean freed him from his bondage, hurriedly removing the ropes from his wrists, without even thinking gathering Cas close, arms closed around his waist. “Let’s go home.” Dean murmured.

            “Dean,” Cas tried to take a deep breath but was denied, “I’m sorry…”

            “Why are you sorry?” Dean snapped, “Stop it, all that shit, it doesn’t matter, none of it, got it?! None of it.”

            “Okay,” Cas trembled, his limbs feelings heavy and useless.

            “We’re getting you back home,” Dean side glanced at an obviously unconscious Sam, and without thinking, Dean leaned forward and pressed his lips to Cas’, nothing invasive, completely chaste. But then he stopped with the action, eyes wild with some unknown panic at his own impulsive actions.

            “Dean…”

            “Cas, I-I’m sorry I shouldn’t have…”

            But Cas plunged forward, devouring Dean’s lips, tongues clashing until they were both breathless, wanting to wash away all the ugly, all the hurt and poison, until Dean was pulling back, “Hey, hey,” Dean answered gruffly, “It’s okay, let’s take it slow.”

            Cas was nodding, eyes leaking without his control, “Okay, Dean.” He crumbled into Dean’s embrace, never wanting to let go.

            ~~~~~~~

            They made it back to the bunker. Cas was bathed and comfortable happily talking about burritos and perfect water pressure. When he spoke of April, he brought it up so nonchalantly in hopes of making light of it, no big deal, rite of passage and all that none sense. What he didn’t expect was the highly concerned faces of both Sam and Dean. Sam whispered something to Dean, shaking his head and exited the room.

            Cas near panicked, “W-What’s wrong? Is this not what you would both like to hear?”

            Dean set his soda on the table at his side, “Cas, did you want that?” he started.

            “What do you mean?” Cas said.

            “Cas,” Dean took a breath, “She found you when you were at your most vulnerable, you were hungry, cold, desperate….”

            “Dean,” Cas huffed, “I-I don’t understand.”

            “Cas,” Dean moved forward, “Did you really wanna do that? Just…answer me…”

            Cas fumbled with the hoodie tie of his shirt, twisting and untwisting the tie, “Why wouldn’t I? You were so set on me…losing my virginity…why wouldn’t I be relieved about it…now being gone?”

            “Cas,” Dean near groaned, “No, no, no, I never wanted you…to be intimate with someone like that…not like that…when you were afraid of hunger, loneliness…or fuck…anything at all that might make you think you gotta sleep with someone to give payback for shelter.”

            Cas was dead eye-locked on Dean, “W-What makes you think that…I’m not normal? That I don’t…desire…that-that…”

            “Cas,” Dean cut him off, “I know you, you don’t do that shit for anything. You’re not a one-night-stand-guy. It’s important to you…and what she did…”

            Cas bit at his bottom lip, “Stop it…”

            “No, Cas, you didn’t want that, it wasn’t voluntary, it wasn’t…” Dean sighed, he moved forward before he thought too much into it he was clutching Cas’ arms, “You deserved so much more than that, your first time. Kisses are one thing…like with Meg…but this…Damnitt Cas, that wasn’t what you wanted.”

            “Dean,” Cas trembled.

            Dean leaned forward and carefully kissed Cas on the mouth, tongue teasing with the seam of his mouth, before he was allowed entry. With that he snaked his arms around Cas’ waist, “Cas,” Dean exhaled.

            As Dean’s hands roamed, Cas found a panic he didn’t think existed, and without even thinking he was fighting against a _wanted_ touch. He wanted this didn’t he? Dean was all he wanted, but why was his heart palpitating out of his chest?

            “Cas, hey, hey, hey, it’s okay, we’re not going any further, it’s okay,” Dean spat, taking tight hold of Cas’ wrists, “Look at me.”

            Cas did, chest heaving, “Dean…”

            “Hey,” Dean smiled, warm and understanding, “Baby, it’s okay.” He abandoned any kind of lust and gathered Cas close, caressing his very human spine, running hands up and down his back, and rocking him carefully back and forth, “It doesn’t work like that,” Dean began, “Just because we admit feelings. Doesn’t mean we have to do anything. Like I said, I know you more than you think. After what you’ve been through, you aren’t even remotely ready for anything beyond kissing. Relax, you hear me? Relax….”

            “Dean…” Cas tried not to sob, “I-I’m scared….”

            “That’s okay,” Dean spoke softer, “But you don’t need to be scared with me. I’ll never do anything that’ll hurt you. We’re only kissing, that’s it.”

            “B-But…I-I have nowhere to go and…”

            “Castiel,” Dean growled, “Do you realize you could have no feelings for me at all, and still live here till you clock out? You’re not just a romantic feeling, you’re my best friend, you do not owe me anything.” Dean thought he might break down himself at the idea that Cas owed him something with the simplicity of safety and shelter, “If you don’t want this? Any of this, you tell me now. It won’t change a thing, I mean, I care about you, like that, but I don’t want it to be something you think you owe me…”

            “No, Dean,” and now Cas was really and truly crying, “I didn’t want to…be with her…I didn’t…I imagined you…is that wrong? Am I wrong? That I did that to make it hurt less?”

            Dean inhaled sharply, his own control dwindling, “Oh Cas, no it’s not,” and fuck it, yes, his eyes were now leaking without his control.

            “My body responded, that must have meant I wanted it to…correct? Is that correct?” Cas sobbed, fingers clutching in the flannel of Dean’s shirt.

            “No!” Dean found himself spatting, “Your…body was just doing what it’s supposed to, doesn’t mean you wanted it, that’s all biological.” he almost added ‘April didn’t want it either’ but he knew damn well that Cas would deal with that guilt soon enough.

            “Why did this happen Dean?” Cas gasped, eyes pinching shut releasing more tears that fell endlessly down his bruised and cut cheeks.

            “It just did Cas, but it isn’t your fault,” Dean huffed, leaning his forehead to Cas’, “You’re safe here with me and you’re not going anywhere. You get that?”

            Cas couldn’t breathe, he had experienced many things in the few weeks he’d been human, but this lack of breath? No, “Dean…I-I can’t…”

            “Shhh,” Dean whispered, gathering him close and firm, splaying fingertips through is hair, lingering at the nape of his neck before combing back through his dark locks, “You feel the way I’m breathing?” he pressed him closer to his chest, “Feel that? Just try to copy that, in and out, you’re okay.”

            Cas burrowed his face into the hollow of Dean’s shoulder, “I never wanted any of this, none of it, I’m so sorry…sorry…sorry…I deserved it…”

            “Cas,” Dean sobbed, yes, sobbed, “Don’t do that, please,” he kissed his temple.

            Dean rocked him back and forth in silence, neither speaking for nearly 20 minutes, he stroked his back and scalp, combing endlessly through his hair with long fingers. Dean only glanced at the wall clock that read 4am, “Hey,” he carefully kissed his temple once more, “You wanna go to sleep? I’ll set you up a room, or…”

            “I want to stay with you, please,” Cas croaked, voice spent and tears still flowing.

            “Okay, okay, come on,” Dean led them out of the living room into his own room and pulled back the sheets, “You want something more comfortable?”

            Cas shuffled at the edge of the bed, “This is all I own.”

            Dean nearly crumpled again, “No, Cas, you want something of mine? I have pajamas, here,” he dug in one drawer and produced plaid pants and a white T, “This okay?”

            “If you don’t mind,” Cas bit at his bottom lip until it was likely bloody.

            Dean moved forward, with his thumb and pointer finger pulled Cas’ plump bottom lip away from teeth, “Hey, hey, I don’t mind. Go ahead and change, I’ll be in the bathroom, I’ll be back in a sec.”

            Cas watched as Dean left the room, and he hurried out of his used clothes, and pulled on Dean’s borrowed ones. They felt right and comfortable, but despite that feeling, his heart bounced when Dean re-entered the room, clad in his own sleep clothes.

            Dean fumbled with the sheets, but then patted the mattress, “Cas, come on you’re shot.”

            Cas hesitated, stomach flip flopping, but the mere scent of Dean beckoned him, “A-Are you sure you want me here?”

            “Cas,” Dean frowned, “I only wanna sleep, come on. That’s it.”

            Cas sighed heavily, he sank into the sheets, for a few moments stiff and scared.

            “Hey,” Dean said, as he clicked the side lamp off, “We’re sleeping, that’s it. I can stay all the way over here if you want.”

            “No,” Cas swallowed, “I-I,” he stuttered, tugging the sheets closer to his shoulders, “Will you hold me? That is all I wish…”

            “Of course,” Dean answered quickly, “And if that’s all you ever need? I’m game…” Cas folded into his embrace with a watery sob, “Shhh, you’re safe here with me.” He repeated for what he was sure the hundredth time.

            Cas squeezed his eyes shut and snuggled closer, “This was all I ever wanted.” He cried, face completely hidden in the warm flesh of Dean’s throat.

            “It’s okay Cas, it’s okay,” Dean kissed the top of his head, “This is what you deserve, sleep, close your eyes. Nothing ain’t gettin’ in here. Sleep.”

            Cas bit his bottom lip once more, but he took the deepest breath he had in weeks, nuzzling his face deeper in the offered shoulder. And everything that was Dean, leather, and whiskey and oil, and love, lulled him into sleep. A state he had not achieved fully until he’d become human, and as Dean murmured whispers of safety he found peace.

**Author's Note:**

> PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE REVIEW My heart and guts and soul go into these ficlets.


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